she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
