A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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