your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
