when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize