so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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