i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i think i scared a bird with my dick
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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