I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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