Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
