he told me I talked like a deaf person
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
