I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
