so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
