My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize