Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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