weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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