if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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