I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
