is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
