a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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