i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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