I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
