Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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