I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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