we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
