he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
