i already hear my dad disowning me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize