oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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