Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
