I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
