I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
