god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
