Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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