Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
