I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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