so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize