Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
