remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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