i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
