dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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