Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
