I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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