There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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