Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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