WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
