it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
