i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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