I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
