is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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