Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
