Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
not ubering you a puppy
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
