I just saw a hot homeless man
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
