I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize