theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
