I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize