moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
