just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
