About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize