you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
