remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
