I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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