I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize