my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize