Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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