I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
